We've Only Got A Few More Hours!!!

Hello people!!! She's coming home tonight and this place isn't NEARLY ready!!!!

Jean! Stereo off! Well... wait... ON until we're finished. Then off! And get those Fallopian Tube Earrings out of here!

Biddy... Biddy??? Oh great, where'd she go??? BIDDY GET OFF THE CEILING!

Grandy! Grandy? Oh... Ok, you can stay in the recliner. Tell you what. You be look out!

Pumpkin, I believe the stripping firemen were your idea?

It's been fun guys but ya gotta go!

Well... maybe...

No! All firemen OUT!

Lucky Gem -Are you still here?

Biddy! What are you still doing on the ceiling? What??? I'm having a hard time hearing you over the stereo. Lucky's kid is stuck in what? -Nevermind... I don't want to know.

Ok one fireman stay to get the baby unstuck. THEN out!

What's that Grandy? SHE'S HERE??!!! Oh wait... she's NOT here? Then who are those people on the lawn? The what??? The "Amish Defamation League?" DAWN!!!!!

Bri! What are you doing! Homework can wait! We've got work to do! Work! Work! Work!

Everybody else... er... just look busy! Do something non-destructive! And leave a comment and let us know what it is so we don't double up on stuff! We need this place to look exactly the way MP left it! Well... minus one table. Oh, and make sure you finish up all the food. She didn't leave us any!

Speaking of which... Rimshot, all those containers you drank out of? You can keep them. Seriously, take 'em with you. It's a gift. From me.

Ok... now where did this Christmas tree come from...?

what the hell!?

WHO dumped their drink in the sink and didn't rinse it out and dry up the water spots!?

for the love of GAWD, people! i've been scrubbing this place top to bottom so the stains won't be so noticable the house will be nice and clean for MP and J when they get home.

it took me a full day just to wash all the sheets (ok, so some of them i just burned and replaced because dayum) I don't even wanna know what some of y'all were doing! At least Rimmy & I left the plastic sheets on ;-)

on a different note, is Bossy coming to your town? would you like me to make you an "I Heart Bossy" shirt? If so, head on over to my place for details!

now, if you will excuse me, i need to figure out how to vacuum the crumbs out of the ceiling chair...

What's That Mark On The Back Of Your Neck?

Awfully quiet in here today.

Maybe they've all been abducted by Aliens...

Maybe I've been abducted by aliens and I'm now in some kind of parallel universe!


Hmmm... Nope. Apparently not.

There's a 36% Chance You've Been Abducted By Aliens

Even though you have a few alien abduction signs, you're almost certainly in the clear. However, if aliens ever do come to your neck of the woods... they'll probably be coming for you!

What Are the Chances that You've Been Abducted by Aliens?

Melissa

Hey Y'all

When is the lucky bitch MP getting home? I need to get the smell out of her bedroom clean sheets on the bed and restock the liqour cabinet refrigerator...

I'm Baaaaaaack!

Hey Guys!

Did y'all miss me?

I spent the night in Dallas with The Boss Lady and a bunch of other friggin awesome Texas Bloggers. it was fan-freakin-tastic! If Bossy is going to be anywhere near you while she's on this roadtrip of hers, you HAVE to go meet her. She's possibly the coolest person I've ever met.

wait a second...who got out the christmas tree!? i LOVE it! who would have thought you could make ornaments out of empty booze bottles?

Bri, Pumpkin, and Lucky, welcome to the party! as you can see, we've been having a great time wrecking the place having *ahem* quiet time and fellowship...*snort*

welp, i'm heading up to my room to work on my Bossy Did Dallas post. I'm a wee bit hungover, so i should probably take an aspirin a bottle of wine with me.

See y'all in the morning!

Everyone is doing such a great job, I feel sort of superfluous. (don't you just love big words?) I started a new job this week and had been away from the internet for waaaayyy too long. I was all worried that I had let MP down, but you girls are hilarious!

As far as an intervention goes, my first thought was "Time share? Is she crazy?" My second thought was, "Time share in Aruba? How many bedrooms? Hmm..." lol

MP and I haven't met in real life, yet, though we live a matter of blocks from each other, but we "met" through our blogs when we both signed up for Bossy's Excellent Road Trip. If you haven't checked out Bossy before, now is the time. She is chronicling her road trip as she travels about the country, meeting bloggers.

Check out her main page here.
Or follow the first few days of the road trip...
Day One
Day Two
Day Two and Some of Three
Day Three thru Three and a half
Day Four-ish
Day Five
Day Six

If you're not too exhausted from that little trek and you'd like to read more of my nonsense, you may visit me here: Under the Arch

Now, I have a thunderstorm to drive through if I'm going to make it to class tonight!

Hugs!
Bri

I'm Melting...

Lucky, I just saw the pictures of your daughter and she's gorgeous. How could you ever be scared of anything when you have such a powerful weapon. Just point her at anything you're afraid of and they'll instantly wither into a little puddle with a big smoking pointy hat.

As for myself, I was going to post several times, but then I just decided to rifle through the kitchen. We are seriously in need of some food in here. -Anyone got MP's credit card?

Melissa

gawd i love guest blogging!

why? i'm not sure. i guess i just like going through other people's stuff being a complete and total spaz on someone else's bloggy. oh wait, i do that on my blog too....crap

MOVING ON!

Grandy:
why, thank you! i wasn't sure the chair on the ceiling was going to work, but i think it REALLY compliments the ceiling fan :-) I added a seat belt so you don't have to worry about falling anymore. Also? Did you notice I completely got rid of that damn toe-breaking table? i had to call the movers to come help with it because my back is still giving me hell. I hope MP and J like the new TV Trays I bought with the money from selling the dining room table. These are much more economical (i still have $$ leftover!), it really opens the space up, AND they fold up and go in the closet, so no one loses a toe! I. Am. Brilliant.

Now, as for this whole 400 posts thing. The last time I blogsat (which lead to a terrible experience i would much rather forget), we celebrated her 100th post (which really wasn't her 100th post because this is her SECOND blog. the first one is locked away, but trust me, it was a good one). Anyway, we celebrated her 100th post, over here, Sesame Street Style. So, we need to figure something out...hmmm

i like the 400 facts about MP, but gah that sounds like an awful lot of work, and well, i much prefer hanging out in my room with what's left of the liquor cabinet. That, and I think Rimmy is coming over to get started on our baby making. y'all might want to sleep downstairs tonight :-D

let's see...400 posts...what could we do? i will possibly spend the next 400 days cleaning my house, but that's not exactly a celebration. It's more like hoping my house isn't condemned. hmm i suppose we could give her $400, but i would probably just steal it. the plaza apparently saw this awesome milestone coming up and opened its doors a few days early after being closed for 3 years and spending $400 million renovating. wow, do you see how much The Plaza loves you, MP?

well, i'm all out of (attainable) celebration ideas. so, i'm going to go to Whataburger and have a 400 calorie taquito with orgasmic whataburger ketchup on it. it should get me in just the right mood for Rimmy...

SNAP, CRACKLE, & POP! i JUST figured out how we can celebrate! everyone make a list of what you would buy if someone gave you $400!

i'll start (and yes, i was a total dork and opened up excel so i could calculate tax. shut up):

freakin adorable wedges from Target: $22.99

also adorable duvet cover and shams from Target (because my $300 tommy hilfiger comforter was ruined in the wash) $79.99


black satin pumps from Nine West *sigh* aren't they pretty!? on sale for $49.99

much needed sunglasses, also from Target (are you seeing a trend?) $19.99
this GAW-JUS (say it out loud folks, i'm from the south) green amethyst and black diamond ring from ice.com

black shirt dress from Lane Bryant $39.50and then i'd use the last $50 on sushi, cheesecake, and prosecco. mmmm

or, i guess i could be sensible and spend the $400 on something i seriously need: but where's the fun in that?? ok, it's a fun couch and gosh it's purty...but i can't wear it out of the house and show it off...that and the mice might eat it...

Formula 401 (409's Kid Sister)

So...story of my life...I'm so busy working on my 100th post over at Functional Shmunctional that I completely overlooked the 400th post here at MP's site.

Whew! Thank goodness for Jean catching that!!

400 posts? 400?? I am truly humbled. I only recently met MP, maybe through Melissa, but can already tell by following your posts and comments, that you kids know how to party!! But seriously, 400 posts?? I'm in utter awe!!

How should we help commemorate this huge milestone? Should we post 400 questions MP should have to answer when she gets her lazy a$$ back from Aruba? I don't think I could come up with 400 questions, but we could have fun trying.

Oooohhh I KNOW!! How bout we make up 400 random things about MP and she could answer each one with a true or false??

Maybe just a surprise welcome home party?

What do you crazy cats think? You've been here longer than I have. Do you have a formula on what we should do to honor MP for her 400th milestone??

Oh, and Biddy, I love what you've done with the place while MP has been gone. I hadn't thought of arranging the furniture quite. like. that. You are a creative soul indeed, I can tell.

I LIKE IT!! ;)

&$@!^#* Airlines!

so, MP apparently has hidden cameras set up and someone checking in on us, cause she definitely left us this note on the fridge:
"flight cancelled..yeah Delta..I used my charm and got moved to american..we made our connection in altanta..but guess what, our luggage didn't...I just bought $100 pair of shorts..I was desparate for something cute...we went to the grocery store..I haven't slept except for an hour and a half..but hey..I'm in ARUBA>> :-)I may leave a message again..Fridge is empty..you guys want to eat you will have to go shopping. XOX"

stupid airlines! and seriously, Mary Pat? A HUNDRED DOLLARS for a pair of shorts!? I could have overnighted you an entire wardrobe for less than that!

it's probably a good thing i'm not catholic...

otherwise, i'd be reciting 1499 Hail Marys (whatever those are) and 71 Our Fathers (i'm assuming that's The Lord's Prayer?)

oh, and i'd be fasting for 9 weeks. looking at my waistline, i could stand to fast for 9 weeks. just let my body feed off itself. hmmm

anyway, i have a few (thousand) questions for you catholic peeps. oh, and before we go ANY FURTHER...please know that i am in NO WAY trying to disrespect your beliefs. k? ok...

so, i went to this site and did an online confessional because i thought it would be kind of funny to see what my penance would be. (ok, maybe that was a little disrespectful. sorry). anyway, i'm going through the 10 mile long list of sins and i'm wondering:

1. does putting a certain sin in my "shopping cart" once cover all the times it's happened, or do i have to have one for every single time i've comitted that sin? like, seriously, do i have to account for everyday of my life for the past one..two...nine years of my life that i've taken birth control?


2. why is birth control a sin? i have a whole post about this one coming up...


3. what exactly is felching?


4. who decides the severity of the sin? in my church, sin is sin. but apparently in the catholic church there are different degrees. kind of like a class c misdemeanor.


5. so, i know that having sex when you're not married is a sin. and i know having sex with someone else's spouse is a sin. what if you're having premarital sex with someone else's spouse but you don't know they're married? is that a double whammy?

shew! it's exhausting getting all serious...

i'm going to go raid the liquor cabinet and retire to my room. shhhhhh don't tell Mary Pat, but uh, I took the plastic sheets off my bed and put the 900 thread count ones i found in the linen closet on there. ohhhh man! they feel goooood

Helloooooo?

Is she gone...?

I don't see anything....

Ouch! Table.... &^%$#!

Where the heck's the light switch?

y'all don't mind me....

heh, key still works!

MP, J, and all the animals are asleep right now, so i'm going to have to tippy toe around. I was getting tired of abilene, so i decided to head on up to St. Louis Louis (name that musical) to help hold down Fort MP.

Let's see...if I remember correctly my room is *ouch! shit!* sorry, stubbed my toe. is that table new? i don't remember it being there last time...

anyway, as i was saying, i think my room is up the stairs and one, two doors *aaack!* wrong room! sorry MP! I didn't see a thing. honest...

ok, here's my room! look, she even put fresh sheets on the bed for me. how sweet! what's this?
argh...i guess she's still bitter about the purple mystery stain. it wasn't completely my fault! and the couch smelled looked like the au jus finally came out...
well, i'm exhausted and a little queasy from the boat ride over here (have you seen the water surrounding this place!?) so I guess i'll crawl into my plastic sheets and call it a night. hopefully my snoring won't disturb the party down the hall...not that i saw anything. honest!

see y'all soon...

i burned my vuh jay jay

oh.my.gosh.

just call me the mcdonald's woman. i will never ever call that woman a fucktard again. never.

so, last night, i decided i wanted a french dip from arby's. i know, yum. so, when i got home with it, i got a plate to put the little styrafoam container of au jus on (you know, for the dipping part of the french dip). i sat on the couch, legs stretched out, ready to dive in. i started with my curly fries, and since i got a salad plate for the au jus, i just squirted the ketchup from the packet directly onto the fries. well, inevitably, i dropped some ketchup on my shirt.

i looked down to see where it had landed, and that slightest of movement, caused the plate that was sitting on my lap to shift just enough that the au jus did an olympic worthy flip and spilled all over my lap. i sat there for about half a second in shock, and then the heat appeared. oh.my.gosh. i yelped. i literally yelped. tears immediately filled my eyes as i jumped off the couch, threw the plate down and did a little dance in the living room. it hurt like hell. my brain finally started functioning after dancing around the living room for a minute and i took peeled my jeans off. i kid you not, it was so hot, my jeans were stuck to my thighs. OUCH!

i waddled to the bathroom (i couldn't walk because my thighs would rub together and that was too much to handle), turned the cold water in the shower on, and jumped in, shirt, panties, bra and all....

my thighs have little blisters. but what's worse...my vuh jay jay has a couple of blisters which makes for a very uncomfortable EVERYTHING.

i doubt i'll sue arby's for a burnt vuh jay jay, but damn. there's no need for the au jus to be flippin boiling.

now if you will excuse me, i'm going to go crawl into a hole and die of embarassment...

makin myself at home

Hey peeps, Biddy again. i gotta tell ya, i like this blogsitting thing.

i found this on the door this morning.

sheesh, talk about trust...

so, i've jumped on all the beds, rummaged through the medicine cabinet (nothing but a half empty tube of toothpaste and some vizine), and found three of jack's toys hiding in the sofa...oh wait, that one might be MP's hehe

i was going to raid the liquor cabinet, but dangitt, MP apparently felt the need to lock it. i'll have to brush up on my lock picking skills.

unfortunately, i'm in a bit of a funk today, so i think i'm going to go drink myself into oblivion take a shower and use all the hot water, then hit the hay. i promise a better post tomorrow!